Finding more Lesbian within Myself

It's been 3 months since she broke up with me.
I miss her. It still makes me feel queasy when I'm around her. But the acid reflux is gone. Thankfully.

I hooked up with a girl. It was fun. I felt sad afterward. I missed the woman I had dated for a year.

I talked to my husband about it. He gently tried to convince me that I did have fun with the random hookup. I did eventually decide that I had fun with her. She is beautiful, smart, caring. She is cool. But I miss the one I had been in an incredible relationship with. For me, sex gets better over time, as you get to know each other better. Over time you start to understand your own body and the other person's body in new ways. You know what they like, you know what you like. You know what that little nudge means, that gasp, that tremble. They can't fake it. You become in sync.

I watched a film a few days ago with my husband called The American. It is a European film, except for the fact that George Clooney is in it. One of the the women in the film, Violante Placido, is so hot.

Her breasts reminded me of my ex's breasts. It turned me on so much. My husband and I had sex after the film. After sex we fought. I felt frustrated. My desire for her was so strong. It surprised me how strong it was. It made me wish that I could stop it and become straight. Like sitting up, being vigilant, pulling my socks up. If somehow, through sheer force of will I could 'straighten up' or 'straighten out' like an unruly teenager, I would. It seems like the more I acknowledge my lesbian desire, the more of it I find. Scary. On the one hand I love it and it gives me confidence, on the other, I wish it wasn't so intense. I prefer keeping it under my control.

Here's another picture of Violante Placido. She is incredible.

George Clooney, on the other hand, really does nothing for me. He's hotter than the disgusting Brad Pitt, I'll give him that. 

And just so that the image of George Clooney is not the last one I've left the post with. Here's another of the Violante Placido with nice framing.

And just so that you do not think I'm a total perv, uncontrollably posting pictures of topless people. Here is picture of women studying together. Look, they have clothes on. One of them is reading. The other lady clearly has something on her mind. Maybe it's a poem she's about to commit to paper?

After publishing this post and taking a peek at it-- I realize that it really is about sex for me. I am happy with my husband. He is an incredible person. I trust him. He's intellectually exciting and funny. We have the most stimulating conversations--after 12 years together, 7 of which have been while married. We are so right for each other. I do like having sex with him, but I really prefer it when I'm in a relationship with a woman at the same time. Sex with him is better, and sometimes more intense that with a woman. But I have to have been having sex with a woman at least twice a month. This three month drought is not helping anyone. OKCupid is not working! But I'll leave that for the next post.