Checking in with myself

Well. First entry.

I've been meaning to write about this. So that I don't forget. So that others can read it and not feel as alone as I've felt. It shouldn't be confusing. It is not confusing for everyone. For me, I feel like it's a bit messy. There is joy. So it's not so bad. I can handle it. I just need to communicate about it. No one feels safe enough. Every one has their agenda. I worry that my straight friends would feel that I'm betraying my husband--who is their friend too and who is much loved. My lesbian friends have too much invested in my 'coming out' and their hope that I would leave my husband. I have a million acquaintances. I know a pretty good number of queers, but no one is safe enough; non-judgmental or non-controlling and non-invested or in this sensitive situation.


I told one older woman who I was working with, she some how took it too mean that she had a chance and proceed to talk about sex non-stop, then she started to make advances, many not so subtle. We were going for lunch once in the middle of the installation of an exhibition and she remarked that the avocados looked quite sensual. I didn't respond. She talked about not having sex for seven years. She mentioned that she hated men. Found them controlling. I gently said that the situation we have is a closed loop, meaning that I can only have the two of them--my husband and my lady friend. No one else. but that people are often confused by this. She said, "they think it's a free for all." I said, "yes, they think it's a free for all, but it's actually the opposite. There is much discussion and continual negotiation that goes into this situation." My husband has veto. We contantantly check in with each other. Before and after every encounter/date with my lady friend. I also check in with her.

The purpose of this written account is to check in with myself.

I don't know how I feel. Good, mostly.

Today I was listening to my ipod on random. PJ Harvey's good fortune came up. The lyrics: "Things I once thought unbelievable in my life have all taken place. When we walked through Little Italy I saw my reflection come right of your face. I paint pictures to remember you're too beautiful to put into words." I won't continue into the culturally problematic lyrics about gypsies (come on pj--my favorite musician of all time--what's with the racism, or at very least tired cliche?) And felt like it was about my lady friend and I--she does not want me to call her my girlfriend. I so care about her. In some ways... maybe I'm in love with her. Gasp! What does that mean? All that I know is, when I haven't had sex with her in a few weeks I feel grumpy angsty and I long for her. When I touch her, especially in public on a dance floor for some reason, not always, but often, I feel intoxicated. I feel like I want to keep touching her. I feel like I don't want to move in case I ruin the feeling or lose it or had imagined it.  

.....

When I got home a few hours ago, she had called and left a message. I called back, but no answer. I want to ask her about something she said the other night when we were together. She asked "what are you thinking," I said "I'm not thinking of anything," she said "do you think I'm stupid? I know what that look means," I said, "what look? I'm not aware of any look on my face." So I want to ask her what she was referring to. I have a suspicion she thinking it was an "in love" look. What ever that is. I'm not in love. And if I was, I would not be ready to admit it. Or to know what it means. Does it have to mean anything in particular? Can't things stay the way they are while having strong romantic feelings for someone? Can't I have them for two people at once? That's the big question. Is it possible to feel love for two people at the same time? Am I shortchanging either of them?

I want to stay anonymous on here, but I look forward to people's feedback and questions.